Beginnings and Endings


The road is hot under my feet, and dust and gravel stick to my soles.  This
is the way it has to be, walking out on my life, my "family", Norca.  The
family that I never understood, even if they perhaps understood me.  But I
understand this.  I understand leaving, and leaving with nothing, perhaps
better than the people who are supposed to be enforcing this little
melodrama.  The fact that I could change my feet into shoes means nothing--
I would walk this walk, this way, regardless.  

I want to walk forward without looking back, but I can't.  My mind keeps
going over all the twists and turns that have brought me here, to this road,
this walk.  What a mess I've made of my life.  Everything I did seemed so
right at the time.  How did it get so fucked up?

It is a good question, and my mind worries at it going back and back, over
and over, all the events that have brought me here.  You could say that it
started when I set out to join the Legion.  What an idiot I was back then.
Thought that I was going to go kick some Aberrant ass, and maybe find out I
had some psi powers to help it along.  Well, I found out about those powers
alright…

"Mz. Wyatt, if you will please come with me,"  the white coat stood by the
door, chart in hand.  I got up, and let her lead me into the next little
waiting room.  "The P.A. will be with you in just a moment," she informed
me, before briskly leaving me to contemplate the rug pattern.

It was more than a few moments before the door opened again.  I had
memorized the carpet pattern, the wallpaper, and the Legion recruitment
posters on the wall by the time an elderly gentleman--  who I correctly
assumed to be the P.A.--  opened the door.

"First let me congratulate you," he said smiling at me.  "Your tests came
out very high, you are definitely one of the Gifted."  His smile didn't seem
to reach his eyes though; he made me want to squirm in my seat.  I shifted a
bit, and smiled hesitantly.  "However, you did not test high in PK, but
rather in biokinesis.  We've notified Norca of your potential, and they are
very eager to meet with you."

"Norca?  But I wanted to join the Legion-"

"And you still can.  However, your tests strongly indicate that your best
use would be to train you as a biokinetic, and then perhaps work with us
after that, if you still wanted to.  At the very least you should meet with
Proxy del Fuego to see if you are compatible with Norca,"  he seemed almost
grim, and added, "not everyone is."

"I'd meet with the Proxy himself?!"  I was completely in over my head, and
felt more and more like I was drowning.

"Yes, you would.  The Proxy del Fuego takes a very personal interest in his
new candidates."

"Well, I guess I can't turn that down, can I?"  

"No," he shook his head  "I guess you can't."

 "So, when do I meet him, where, how…?"  I trailed off uncertainly.

"Arrangements have been made.  You will be flown out tomorrow.  Here are
your tickets.  Just be at the terminal an hour before your flight.  Someone
will be there to meet you on the other side."  He stood up, and offered his
hand.  I rose, and shook it.  "I hope we do get to see you again, Mz. Wyatt."

That evening passed in a flurry of packing, and phone calls.  "T.J. get off
the OpNet and call me back.  I need a ride tomorrow to the airport."  By the
time T.J did finally call me back it was midnight, but I could hear videos
playing loudly in the background.  "Why are you going to the airport?"

"Because I have to meet the Proxy del Fuego tomorrow"  I said, as matter of
factly as I could manage.  I was rewarded by the sudden spluttering noises
on the other end.

"You have to meet the Norcan Proxy tomorrow?!  What the hell?"

"It's very simple, T.J., really.  I went down to the Legion to get tested
and sign up today-"

"You WHAT?!"

This was certainly turning out to be an amusing conversation.  "I told you I
was going to join the Legion T.J.  I've been saying it for the last five years."

"You've been saying for the last five years that you were going to kick my
ass too, and I never believed that either.  I can't believe you actually did
that."

"Well, I did.  What else was I going to do?  It's not like I can go to
college or anything.  And the jobs I could get now suck.  Besides, I really
want to join the Legion."

"OK, fine.  But how does that get you to meeting with El Padre himself
tomorrow?"  T.J.'s voice was starting to sound strained.

"I was getting to that.  So, I went in today, and did the testing, but when
the results came back they said I hadn't tested high for PK, but for
biokinesis.  Apparently high enough that Norca wants to meet with me, and
the PA said that del Fuego takes a personal interest in new candidates.
Hence the need for a ride to the airport tomorrow.  So, can you take me?"

"Well, fuck me.  Yeah, I can skip a few classes to drive you over there."

"I know you can skip the classes T.J.  I was just making sure you could get
up in time."  I teased him relentlessly about his life of luxury.

"Hey!  I can get up."  He protested indignantly.  Then there was a slight
pause,  "Uhh, when do you need me?"

"The flight leaves tomorrow at 11, which means I have to be there by 10,
which means we have to leave by 9:30.  Are you up for it?"

"Sure, piece of cake."

"Ok.  Thanks T.J."

"Don't thank me--  maybe I'll use you as a documentary piece for my vid class."

"T.J.!"  I did a fair imitation of outrage.

"What?"  He did a lousy imitation of innocence.

"You know I hate being filmed.  I always feel like I look funny in them
somehow."  

"Don't worry Sam, we'll make it look great."  Uh-huh, when had I heard those
words before?

"Just pick me up tomorrow, please?"  I tried not to sound desperate.

"Sure thing."

The next morning saw T.J. bouncing on my doorstep at, wonders be, 9:30 Am.
He waved me out to his car with a little mock bow.  "So, when are you coming
back?"

"Ummmm…  I'm not sure, actually.  They didn't tell me, and I kind of forgot
to ask."  I felt pretty stupid about that.  It just hadn't occurred to me
until I started thinking about what to take.  As a compromise I'd thrown in
3 pairs of underwear, but one days change of clothes.  They were all stowed
in my backpack--  thank god I didn't do the makeup and hair thing.

T.J. was giving me the look he reserved for the especially dumb things I
occasionally did.  "You forgot to ask."  He made it a statement.

"T.J., things just happened really fast.  I'll call you and let you know,
when I know, OK?"

Little did I know that I wouldn't be coming back, at least not for a very
long time. 

I could feel a warm wetness seeping from my soles, and I knew that they were
bleeding.  Good, I thought, savagely.  Let this be the last blood I shed for
Norca.

Again my thoughts returned to how I had gotten here.  Maybe I had left my
"family" too soon to go out in the big wide world and fight Aberrants.  But
I had been so eager then…

"The Legion is glad to get you back, Ms. Wyatt."  It had been almost a full
year since I had gone to see the Proxy.  To say that a lot had happened
since then would have been more than just an understatement.  Talking to the
Norcan Proxy had been just the beginning.  Then there was actually being
dunked, which was thankfully hazy in my mind, and being assigned to a Norcan
"family", and then training.  LOTS of training.

But I had never lost sight of my ultimate goal:  getting back to the Legion
and fighting to keep humanity safe from Aberrants.  It had taken a lot of
arguing on my part, but Norca had finally deemed me ready to be loaned out
to the Legion.  With the understanding that I was to be their eyes, ears and
whatever other organ they wanted me to be.  That was the price for my loan--
my price anyway, I didn't even want to know what the Legion was paying for me.

How had I managed to come through all my Norcan training, and still been so
stupid, so naïve, so…  innocent?  Yes, in some way, innocent.  Because
somehow, even while I was learning how to spy and how to infiltrate, and
become anything but what I actually was, I had retained this thought in the
back of my mind:  "None of this is really important to me, none of it
matters, because, in the end, I will be in the Legion.  And then I will be
able to do what is really important."  How wrong could I have been?

I was, am, Norcan, and no matter what else I do, I carry that.  But I am not
just Norcan, and no matter what they do, they cannot make me less than that.
Not when, almost 4 years into my tour of duty, Johnson had come to me and
asked for information on troop movements and communications.  Not when I
found out why he was asking, and told him the information, fully expecting
to be told I could share what I had discovered.  Not even when Johnson told
me that I couldn't, and ordered me home.   And finally, not even when I
heard that the entire unit I had been deployed with had been slaughtered.

I could have saved all of them.  But instead I kept my mouth shut, and
Norca's secrets safe, and I let them die.  I can never forgive myself for
that.  And I never will forgive Norca for that lesson in what they consider
to be honour and loyalty.  Because it only belongs to them.  Nothing else
exists, and no one else matters.  But it did for me.  They did for me.  I
had tried to walk in both worlds, and instead found myself in free fall.  I
could not stay in either.

And that was how I wound up in Proxy del Fuego's office today, telling him
that I quit.  That I had to quit.  He had sat there, utterly impassive, as I
told him.  And then he spoke.  "What you tell me means nothing.  Your words
are like the wind in the trees during a storm, full of sound and fury,
signifying nothing.  You are nothing.  You do not exist, and you never have.
I deem you as less than a ghost, and I cast you out."  And then he stopped,
and began working.  It took a moment for me to realize that that was all he
would ever say to me, that I was now beneath his notice.

I turned and fled.